Three months ago I was on top of the world. Yes, I was going through the typical teenager dilemma, struggling trying to balance my A+s and AP classes, volleyball, and (somewhat) maintain a social life. At that time it seemed hard, but I trudged along, I earned every 100 on almost every test and made time to have a little fun. Although I thought it was hard, and it was very stressful, I got small victories. I got a sense of pride when I earned the highest grade in the class or a tingle of happiness when a friend cracked a joke. It gave me light, something to follow, something to push me to continue drudging along. Fast forward a couple of days, at the thursday night game, I get hit in the head. Next thing I know I'm not myself. I am spending my time sleeping in a dark room or at the doctors office. Months go by and I don't heal. I am no longer trudging through life with hope on my side, I am being pulled back by my own brain. I can't stop myself, I can't fight it either, the only I can do is sit back and pray for the best.
Teachers, friends and doctors relate it to a broken ankle. An ankle takes time to heal sweetie, you can't run on it right away. I try not to grimace every time I hear those words. Do they not understand that a broke ankle is NOT comparable to a concussion? Do they not understand that kids with broken bones can still go to school and have a good predicament of when they'll be healed? Do they not understand how agonizing it is to watch yourself fall behind, day by day, and not know when or if I'll every be able to catch up? I constantly have to remind myself that no, they just don't understand.
What seemed like a difficult like three months ago seems like paradise to me now. Kids tell me that I'm lucky to have a break from homework and school. Yeah, a great break if you like staring at walls contemplating life. One of the reasons I set my goals so high for myself is so I can throw myself into something that will benefit me in the future. Busy myself and get into a good college while I'm at it. Without any of anything, I'm left alone with my thoughts, and sadly, I am a twisted depressed person hiding under a perfect GPA and pink sparkles when I think. I try to give reason to things, wrap my mind around things that I can't control. The problem is that I just can't. Things that I did perfectly before I know do mediocre. I am average now, nothing for me to excel in and no tell if I'll ever be able to be back where I was before. And that scares me, scares the hell out of me in fact. The truth is, I've gotten to the point where I'm wondering if this pain will ever end.
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